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Tricky Thirty

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Tricky Thirty

When we are in our teenagers and 20’s, we are so full of energy there are so many pretty great things about adventurous time, full of self-exploration and socializing like the late-night partying, the carefree hanging out, the hordes of nameless, faceless roommates, fighting with friend’s one day and being normal just the very next day. It feels like being on a roller coaster ride as you can’t predict the next move you’re going to make. There’s constant, persistent worrying and anxiety about career, relationship, family, college, studies, your social life. But in those moments we find ourselves, apart from self exploring there’s one most important aspect of not stopping by no matter what happens. And that’s the best thing about being in your 20’s. But at the end of 29’s there’s a lot of panic attacks and anxiety of our life’s fun that might end. 

Most of the people enter their 30’s with problems, questions, confusions, and a maturely sedated frightening face having so many things in mind like When is the right time to get married ? Do I really want to get married? Have some kids? Own a home one day? Lose weight? Gain weight? Expand my career/business? Am I Happy with my job right now ? Should I ask for a hike in my pay check? Is this enough according to what I planned in my younger age? Am I being enough for everyone? Should I still look for other people for dating or should I marry the current person I am dating ? Is this the right time to explore my sexuality, and sexual fantasies? Should I get a new house or should I still love my parents? Am I being a burden on my parents? Are they worried only about my marriage? Are they looking for someone I should marry ? Will I get married to an unknown person? And the list of questions is never ending. You don’t even realize when your questions of what to wear shifts to whether staying single or getting married or keeping your job or exploring more options. 

There are so many misconceptions that tell us that life in the 30’s is a full stop on your life. Why ? Do we stop aging after our 30’s? The answer is no. According to a new study, changes in the brain and nervous system doesn’t hit maturity (in cerebral terms) until they reach 30 or beyond. This is a golden time when strength, oxygen efficiency and coordination come together, meaning optimal performance for the sharp end of sport. Most of famous inventors and scientists achieved their career breakthroughs in this period. The social network, the friendships that last are typically higher-quality and more enduring which shifts our friend circle from quantity to quality. 

30s is the stage that heralds in more optimism and less stress than before (probably because we’ve learnt not to care so much). By this age innocence has been lost, but our sense of reality is mixed with a strong sense of hope, a ‘can do’ spirit, and a healthy belief in our own talents and abilities. We have yet to develop the cynicism and world-weariness that comes with later years. Your 30s is also the time when depth and quality of connection with your partner starts to pay dividends. 30-somethings do their homework, typically aiming for activities that are more off-radar, and locally orientated. 

Another study found that adventurers in their 30s are more likely to scrupulously research their trip, and stay in high-end hotels.

I might not show it, but it’s there

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I might not show it, but it's there

“You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” — Marcus Aurelius

Not each and everyone is of the same type, not everyone is as expressive as others might be. Every person has their own voice and they have their choice to let it out or let it hurt them internally.

One can identify internal suffering when they’re losing interest in activities they loved or enjoyed a lot, feeling distant or detached, failing to access and  express their feelings and emotions, feeling flat, both physically and emotionally, not being able to fully participate in life, having difficulty with experiencing positive feelings such as happiness, preferring isolation rather than being with others, growing hesitation and stumbling while expressing themselves.

Internal feelings and emotions can also have physiological reactions in person such as activation of cardiovascular, skeletomuscular, neuroendocrine, autonomic nervous system, somatosensory feedback mechanisms as they trigger emotional experiences. Like anger can cause liver damage and pain, happiness affects heart and blood flow, thoughtfulness with heart and spleen. Sadness is also associated with heart diseases and in some cases, heart attack and also with lungs, fear is associated with kidney and heart, and anxiety with lungs and heart, surprise/shock with heart and gallbladder. 

Internal pain can cause stress, coming from grief that can flood the body with hormones, specifically cortisol, which causes that heavy-achy-feeling in the chest area. The heartache that comes with depression can increase the likelihood of a heart attack.

Feeling of being overwhelmed or feeling helpless, it’s not uncommon to turn to emotional numbness since it provides you with a protective defense. While this may provide temporary relief, learning to cope with difficult feelings this way can have long-lasting consequences. Emotional numbness results in temporary restrictions in the capacity to feel or express emotions. People might even shut down when they start to lose hope in being understood or really getting along with other people. Soon after, they potentially detach themselves from them. It’s hard for people to leave people so they slowly detach when they love someone. They never tell the other person but they suffer internally in silence.

There are basic practices like mediation, practicing thoughtfulness which innately focuses on self awareness encompassing what you know, what you don’t know, what you know you don’t know, what you don’t know you know, understanding of our position in the world, regardless of truth, sense of what our bodies are doing, what our minds are doing, what is going on in the outside world. There are at last treatment methods to deal with extreme suffering like CBT that involves learning and practicing cognitive-behavioral strategies for managing stress, traumatic experiences, depression, and anxiety can help tame negative thoughts and avoid defensive patterns of coping that are inefficient and invalidating of emotional processing and problem-solving, Psychotherapy that supports learning and use of productive coping tools such as allowing feelings to surface and processing them in the safe, nurturing environment of the therapeutic relationship.

Toxic masculinity

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Toxic masculinity

In study of men in prison, Terry Kupers, a psychiatrist, defined toxic masculinity as “the constellation of socially regressive male traits that serve to foster domination, the devaluation of women, homophobia, and wanton violence.”

Toxic masculinity glorifies unhealthy habits, manliness which perpetuates domination, homophobia, and aggression. It’s believed that “self-care is for women” and men should treat their bodies like machines by working continuously, working out even when they’re injured, and pushing themselves to their physical limits, abandoning their mental health, suppressing their emotions and never crying out in front of others and “being a tough man” till death. The idea that men need to act tough and avoid showing all emotions can be harmful to their mental health and can have serious consequences for society, which is how it became known as “toxic masculinity.”

The popular term “toxic masculinity” points out very serious problems of male violence and sexism, and homophobia. The American Psychological Association warns therapists that extreme forms of certain “traditional” masculine traits are linked to aggression, misogyny, and negative health outcomes.

Toxic masculinity can also become the reason of why men face challenges such as higher rates of drug overdose and suicide. Progressively the detoxification of masculinity is an essential pathway to gender equality. Masculinity can indeed be destructive and could be blamed for rape, murder, mass shootings, gang violence, online trolling, climate change.

Researchers have found that when they didn’t take stereotypes and cultural expectations in consideration, there weren’t many differences in the basic behaviors between men and women. Time diary studies showed that even men enjoy caring for children just as much as women.

Researchers have found that when they didn’t take stereotypes and cultural expectations in consideration, there weren’t many differences in the basic behaviors between men and women. Time diary studies showed that even men enjoy caring for children just as much as women.

A study found that men who strongly believed in traditional notions of masculinity held more of a negative attitude about seeking mental health services compared to those with more flexible gender attitudes. Toxic masculinity stresses out that it’s inappropriate for men to talk about their feelings, emotions and to vent out. Avoiding conversations about someone’s own problems or emotions may increase feelings of isolation and loneliness. It may reduce men to reach out and seek help while experiencing a mental health issue.

Men who view themselves as more masculine are less likely to engage in helping behavior which means they are not likely to intervene when they witness bullying or when they see someone being assaulted. Issues like Depression, anxiety, substance abuse issues, and mental health problems are viewed as weakness.

Love lies in its journey

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Love lies in its journey

So here it is finally, the most awaited and most romantic time of the year for our lovebirds out there. The month, fest, season of love, care, promises, hugs, affection, kindness, cuddles and kisses. There’s always a feeling of excitement for a typical Valentine’s Day experience, flowers, hugs, promises, commitments, wine-ing and dining, receiving and sending gifts. And also there is not only one day there is a mini valentine week wholly to fill lovers with excitement and enthusiasm.

Let’s ask ourselves one question. Why do we really celebrate Valentine’s Day? What do we like most about it ? What makes it so special ? Is Valentine’s Day always about the grand gestures, expensive gifts, luxurious date nights, in a 5 star restaurant or some hotel? Is Valentine’s Day empowering couples ? There’s no correct answer to these questions. These are  just some introspection questions that one can easily answer if he/she has loved someone ever. Not exclusively for couples .

Love has different meanings and it never starts or ends with any week or month. There’s a saying “love never dies neither it gets old.” Love has no age, no bars, no limits, no matter and maybe that’s why we say love is in the air. But you know what’s more beautiful than the love itself, it’s the journey of love.

Love can exist in various ways like a child loves differently like by kissing, or mumming around, or smiling at someone or laughing while being around a particular someone. That’s the purest form of love one person gives to someone unintended.

Let’s have a flashback of our teenagers when we used to love by making shy and indirect eye contacts, exchanging cards, writing messages at the back of our notebooks, travelling for hours and miles just to catch that one glimpse and smile of the special person. The little jealous factor that used to burn us seeing that person with someone else, the process of that person making up for it. The smiles, giggles, the first touch of hands, the first moment of eye contact which used to give us dancing butterflies in our stomach.

Just revisiting those times gives us an endorphin rush, right?

Then the mature love of our adulthood which taught us how and why love is important. That moment when you share yourself with someone, your deepest secrets lie in front of someone like a naked person. You feel relieved, relaxed, calm, light, responsible, strong, mature, weak, childish, all at the same time. The time when you fight for your love, yourself and your relationship. The time when you see what you’ve been looking for in someone. The support, care, affection, attention, understanding, compassion, all at once like a package of gift hamper in a person itself. The most overwhelming feeling !!

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